Thursday, July 07, 2005

Desperate Thoughts of Suicide - 3 Times in My Life



Just reading up Jill's Blog @ kablooi.blogspot.com about somebody who drank a cup ultra concentrated Clorox because he was rejected by a girl. Really churned up memories of the 3 Times in My life that I felt like suicide.

1st Time - I was National President of a multi-varsity society when it was still undergoing a transition and realignment. We had inter-varsity cat fights and turf battles for the sake of thriving and survival. I was caught in the middle trying to balance it all. The thought of attending the Mid-National Convention really gave me the jitters and the shivers. Felt like throwing myself off University Heights.

2nd Time - Failure to Graduate within 4 years - Yeah, it took me 5 years to grad - I was in short a lazy bum who didn't work hard enough to pass all his papers - I tell you nobody can punish you like the way you can punish yourself. I really felt like throwing myself off Penang Bridge. Ohh, the shame !!! Couple with the fact that I was already confirmed with a job 6 months before. What will my ultra strict mother say? Will I lose my job over it?

3rd Time - I had been cocky and full of myself. I gave up a RM 5000 job in the year 2001 to fulfill my ambitions to be a trainer. I joined up with somebody whom I thought could make me one. Turned out to be the 'GREATEST Learning Experience In My Life'. I was with the guy, CKC, for 1 year and 3 months. I didn't get a single paycheck from him. I invested or threw away nearly RM 100,000 in that period. My SATRIA 1.6 turned into a TOYOTA Corolla 1981 and I lost my girlfriend in the process. That was not all, I lost my self-confidence, my self-esteem, my friends and the respect of my entire family. I was reduced to practically begging for money from whomever who could give it. I felt like hanging myself.

Why am I still here? Basically, it's love of family and a sense of duty. I feel like an investment sometimes. They have invested more than half their lives in me. Money, time, love, heartaches. Here I was contemplating the 10 ways to die handsomely :-( I cannot give in to the weakness of SUICIDE - sure it takes courage to throw yourself off the edge, but it takes more to soldier on despite everything. That's why Hell is the only place for Catholics who hang themselves. And the weight of Karma hanging on your neck for the Buddhists. We've been given the special privilege of life and yet we throw it away? Hey, I still had at least 3 friends who believed in me - Bunnywunny, LSG & WL. And Bunnywunny is my bestest friend. Bun Bun, if you're reading this, Kudos to you ok.

Next Change - The 10 ways to die handsomely !

8 Comments:

At 9:13 AM, Blogger Fiona Wong said...

Hey, way to go! Friends are precious and so are we, they need us too.. so we have to stick around for them as well :) Keep up the good spirit!

 
At 9:49 AM, Blogger Terence Goh said...

hey carl, did you see constantine ? don't wrist your life cuz of some stuff, pick yourself everytime u fall, and you'll walk better faster

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger Aurora said...

We're gonna have a long talk on the drive up north.

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger suanie said...

constantine way cool wei!

if you could slash the wrist ala constantine you would die handsomely

coz the devil will save ya

 
At 1:12 AM, Blogger KG said...

Hi Carl, your old friend here. Good to know you have such positive outlook. It's true, don't cash out on the investments too soon ;) You always have friends around you.

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger eyeris said...

i think i remember that transition period... it was the height of all the politicking in AIESEC i think... heh

And hey, I graduated in five and a HALF years! I win! :)

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger cyber-red said...

i took 5 years even.. to finally get my degree. life's not always about failure. it's about picking up yourself after falling down. persevere my friend =)

 
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